SHINee is one of the kpop idols that has a great contribution and influence to the kpop world with their music.
Reports said that Kim Jonghyun was rushed to the hospital on Monday after his sister received a text message from him which seems like his last goodbye. His sister then called the police. SM Entertainment, SHINee’s agency, released a statement on the night of December 18, announcing the death of the idol at the age of 27.
Police said that Jonghyun’s death was caused by coal briquettes method. It gives off carbon monoxide which will cause death if inhaled.
Singer Nine9, a member of Dear Cloud said that Jonghyun shares the heaviness of his dark feelings and emotions to her and left her his last letter. With the permission of Jonghyun’s family, the letter was published to let the people and fans know Jonghyun’s true feelings.
Jonghyun’s Final Letter
I am broken from the inside.
The depression that slowly gnawed away at me has finally swallowed me whole.
And I could not defeat it.
I detested myself. I grabbed my disjointed memories and yelled at them to pull themselves together but was met with no response.
If I can’t help myself breathe properly it’s better to stop breathing at all.
I asked myself who was responsible for me.
I was utterly alone.
It’s easy to talk about the end.
It’s hard to actually end.
I lived until now because of that difficulty.
I told myself I wanted to run.
Yes, I wanted to run.
I asked who was there. It was me. It was me again. And it was me yet again.
I asked why I kept losing my memories. It was because of my personality. I see. So It’s all my fault in the end. I wanted people to notice but no one did. They’ve never even met me so of course they don’t know I exist.
I asked why they live. They just live, just live on.
If you ask why I die I would answer I am exhausted.
I have suffered and pondered. I never learned how to turn this exhausting pain into bliss.
Pain is just that, pain.
They scolded me not to do this.
Why? Why can’t I even end things the way I want to?
They told me to find out why I hurt.
I know too well. I hurt because of me. It’s all my fault and all because I’m lacking.
Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?
No. I have done nothing wrong.
When the gentle voice blamed my personality I thought, ‘damn being a doctor is easy.’
It’s so odd that it hurts so much. People who have it worse than me live fine, people who are weaker than me carry on fine. Maybe that’s not true. There’s no one alive that’s got it worse than me or is weaker than me.
But I should live on anyway.
I keep asking myself why I should hundreds of times and it’s not for my own good. It’s for yours.
Please don’t say a word if you don’t understand.
Find out why I’m hurting? I told you why. Is it so wrong to hurt so much because of that, do I need to have a more dramatic reason? A more specific reason?
I told you already. Were you not listening? Things you can overcome don’t scar you for life.
Clashing with the world was never meant for me.
The life of fame was never meant for me.
That’s all the reason why it hurts. Because I’m famous. Why did I choose this. It’s so funny.
It’s a wonder I lasted so long.
What can I say. Just tell me I’ve done well. That this is good enough. That I’ve worked hard. Even if you can’t smile don’t fault me on my way. You did well, you worked hard. Goodbye.
— SHINee’s Jonghyun
(credits to Koreaboo for the translation)
Kim Jonghyun’s death brought Shawols and non-Shawols together to mourn his departure.
A Message to all Fangirls and Non-fangirls
I am also a fangirl and seeing fan wars is not a good sight. Let us think about how our idols would react to it. We will never know how it will affect our idols. Let us love them continuously without stepping and hurting other fandoms to prevent fan wars.
Whether you are a fangirl or not, let us appreciate their hard work. Idols are human too. They get hurt by the negative comments that they received. Stop it. Stop sending hate comments if ever you don’t like them. Keep it to your self. Think first, a million times, before hitting the keyboard and typing. Think how would they feel. Put your self in their shoes. They put all their efforts into their craft and work hard day and night just to make their fans happy. They deserve to be appreciated.
Jonghyun’s passing is also a wake-up call to everyone. It is not easy. Depression is not a joke. It can take over you and your will to live. So, make time and find time to talk to your family and friends. People should also learn to listen with an open mind. Do not be afraid to open up about what’s worrying you and what’s dragging you down. Be brave to conquer your own demon.